How i think
How I think.
By Caitlin Erwin-MacDonald
My mind is always on the move.
It never stops, I may sit and look dazed but truly I have over 20 things racing around and tumbling through my brain. Colors, ideas, sounds, images, words, feelings, they all push and collide like a splatter painting.
Can you imagine what its like to be in a constant state of thought? Where you sit and think even when trying to sleep; never a blank state of mind.
What's worse is I can't sit and concentrate.
Writing this paper I an am distracted by the noises, the laughs, the clicks. What is worst most of all it is taking me forever to even write this paper; because I cant stop being distracted by everything around me.
I go from type, type, type, to lets see what this is, or let me check my mail or lets talk to this person about something that has no point for me to talk about it cause I have this paper.
It is the hardest thing in the world to do homework when no one is around, I usually don't even finish let alone turn it in.
So my grades start to plummet and I start to worry. Oh and how I worry.
Cause my mom will get on me and I get stressed out about the dumbest little things.
My mother could come home and say" Don't eat anything. I am about to make dinner." And all I can ask is "what are we having."
"Food."
"What kind of food?"
"Edible food."
"What kind?"
I get so worked up about what kind of food I have I start to freak out. Like if I don't know what it is I'll die.
Which causes a lot of yelling and frustration in my house causing more worry and more stress.
But there are more important things to worry about, but I don't sit and think on those things; I worry about stupid things. Like food or is something in order, etc.
Not the important things I need to be worrying about.
But it also threatens my relationships with people, Family, Friends, Boyfriends, Girlfriends, etc.
The reason being is because I have to over think and or not think about things at all.
I miss important details and have awkward social ques. So I over do things often pushing people away. Which makes things hard for others and myself. Who are trying to get to know me or even wanting to be around me.
Life in a constant and is hard to do. But can be done if you have help and people who care.
Due to my slacking grades some people would think I am not very smart. But in truth I am; I can name you facts about your world you may not have known.
Like the word Satan in Hebrew means fallen one.
But what do I do with these random facts? Nothing they just sit and take up space in my head.
This is good and bad at the same time, Cause it means I know a lot of things but most of the time they are not needed.
But if you think about it I learn fast when I enjoy something so I most have enjoyed learning them.
Maybe that's why I can pick up a 700 page book and be done the next morning.
But that has to be also cause I can hypo focus: Meaning I can sit and read completely blanking out all around me. So if I am at school I am not learning, but there is a problem I have an extremely hard time putting my book down.
But I am learning how to fix myself, I am trying new ways to look at myself; Even writing this paper meant putting myself in a way that I can see me for who and what I am. (By the way not a simple thing to do.) But it's a way to learn from our mistakes and grow to be better then the person I said I was in the paper.
I am me.
And if you don't like it, well I am not going to change my ways for you. But I will change for me.
- Mood:
Artistic - Listening to: The sparrows and nightingals -wolfshime
- Drinking: water
My favorite art on Deviant art.
Peaceful
Tired
